Brotherly Tears of Love

On our way home from the Costco last night, wait, that's right, I said Costco. Sometimes you need to go buy a pack of 30 D sized batteries for $15 or 6 pillows for $30, and sometimes you need to taste test food in the aisles right before buying enough Sonic toothbrush heads to last you 3 years. Moving on...

After our adventure in Costco we all piled in a very tight Jetta. Every seat filled; my Mom was in the backseat with Landon, our 8 year old, who was in the middle and then Adeline was in her infant car seat. Right as we pulled out of the parking lot Adeline woke, and she woke hangry. That's right, hangry. It's a combination of hungry and angry. Hangry. We should have stopped right then and let her breast feed, but apparently that didn't cross anyone's mind, not even mine.

Normally the trip from Costco home takes about 15 minutes with no traffic, lights, and or trains. Last night we hit every light, in traffic and even a the train crossing! That translates to roughly a 30 min drive home, and with a crying newborn that translates to forever. We all did our best to try to calm her, Landon and my Mom tried shhhhh-ing her, I tried lying to her, "Okay, Addie, baby almost home, almost there." Derek tried to hit every pot hole possible trying to sooth her back to sleep. She was not having it. She was pissed, I could almost hear her protests in her quivering-lip-newborn-cry, "Where is the boooooooooob?!!! I want my miiiiiiiiiiiilk!! MaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAA!!"

Right as we were getting ready to pull onto our street, we stopped. A train. "Oh look, Landon! A train!" Normally he loves watching them, but he was not having it. All the adults in the car laughed and then something very endearing happened. Landon started to cry.

He was holding back tears for a while, and now that they were coming down, I could see that. That train was his last straw. As he leaned on my Mom, the tears flowed down, and she asked him what was wrong. His sweet response, in between his cry was, "I don't want the baby to cry." Melt. My. Heart. We assured him that she wasn't in any pain, and she was okay, just hungry. This is how babies communicate sometimes because they can't talk. Mom rubbed his back and I held his hand. He quietly sobbed.

Adeline was 8 days old before 
Landon asked to hold her.
He voiced to us that he was 
"afraid he would break her."

And for the next 8 minutes I soaked in this loving moment. I took a deep breath, layed my head on Derek's shoulder (remember the car was in "Park" because of the train), and tried to commit every tear, sob and newborn cry to memory. I know the day is coming when they will argue; I will have to assist in conflict resolution, I will have to assure them that I love them both the same. I know this sibling stuff is coming, as much as I don't want it to. There was plenty of it in our house growing up, and I love both my brothers, unconditionally. But for now, Landon was a big brother, so concerned with his little sister's needs it brought him to tears. Big, beautiful, loving, brotherly tears. 

When we got home I fed Adeline and Landon went to his room to gather himself together. After he had stopped crying and had a comforting talk with his Daddy, he came in, kissed Adeline on the forehead (for the first time), and got a big hug from me. Then he went back to his room and played. The moment was over, but it's forever been imprinted on my heart and in my mind. 

This parenting thing, it's amazing. Not because of me, or Derek, but because of them. They are amazing little wonders, and I hope and pray I'm able to constantly see the beauty in moments like that one.

10 Things I've Learned Since Adeline's Birth... 48 Hours Ago

My daughter, Adeline Grace, was born just two short days ago, and already I've learned some new life lessons. My birth with my firstborn, Landon Travis, was work - of course - but overall I describe and remember his birth as "liberating and empowering". That experience is the reason I am so passionate about birth and our ability as women to create, birth, breastfeed and love our children. 

Adeline's birth was so different - so difficult - but also so worth it. It's amazing the way life can teach you things when you least expect it; here is what Adeline's birth and the last few hours/days have taught me...

Adeline Grace, 6 lbs, 13 oz and 19 in.
Born 100% natural on Wednesday, 10-09-13 at 8:56 am

1. God gives us different and challenging experiences so we can be humbled, less judgmental and more relatable.

If I had not had the difficult birth I did with Adeline I truly don't think I would be able to relate to some honest fears and apprehensions some women have about birth. How can I teach, coach and counsel other women if I am not open to, and understanding of, their thoughts and experiences? In the past, I admit, when people told me of horrible birth stories, I used to think that, "maybe they didn't prepare," or "maybe they started pushing too early," or "maybe they just couldn't keep a positive attitude," or even "maybe their coach wasn't supporting them the way they needed". Because if I could do it - at 22, with no partner, and very little to no preparation - and it was an incredible, liberating experience, these other women must have done something wrong. I'm sorry. I understand, I am humbled. Thank you, God.

2. My husband is amazing.

I know I say this often, and I re-learn it over and over every day. But really, he was there for every contraction, for every tear and every push. Always putting me first. Thank you, Derek. I love you, and I couldn't have done it without you.

3. Good, confident mid-wives are gifts from God and answers to prayers.

4. There is at least one event from every birth story that sticks with the mom, one thing that is so special that you want to share it with everyone. 

Here is mine: Adeline was born in her bag of water. This is not common. It is said that babies born "in the caul" are intuitive and blessed. Derek talks about how amazing it was to see. I didn't see it, but I felt everything, and I am so proud. She is a blessed baby, but I know we are far more blessed than she is.

My first baby, Landon Travis, now 8 years old.

5. Don't let your high expectations of siblings and their reactions disappoint you. 

Landon still has not held Adeline and his response to seeing her for the first time was, "Hi Adeline." Very simple, very sweet, very honest. He isn't ready to hold her, or kiss her, but he is so protective and inquisitive of her. It's important to respect his feelings during this time; this is his transition too. And accepting that just might be the toughest part for us as parents. 

6. I am so blessed to be able to count on family and friends. 

They were wonderfully helpful, from prayers to a 2am "we are heading to the Birth Center" phone call, to leaving the comfort of their bed at 3am, to watching, entertaining and feeding Landon, to bringing meals over, supplying coffee in the morning, and simply being present for hugs and talks. I am forever grateful.

7. Statistics are sometimes just statistics and don't mean anything. 

My second birth was statistically supposed to be, "shorter, about half the time,". It was shorter... by 3 hours. And even though it was just 3 hours shorter, I am thankful it was.

I actually saw this photo on FB, and screen captured it.
I can't find the post or page it was on, and I didn't get to
read the attached post, but I believe it was of the same
sentiment as No. 8.

8. Don't feed the fear. 

So much about birth is attitude-centered. Share the good positive things about labor; don't forget the negative or be dishonest, but share the positive. Especially with women who have not given birth yet. Yes, my closest girlfriends know my whole birth story and experience because I can't deny myself the ability to reflect on Adeline's birth with them - and learn from it and receive their support. (Many of the thoughts written here have come from those conversations with them.) But every birth, EVERY SINGLE birth is different; let every woman have their own expierence. Don't feed the fear.

Daddy reading to his Baby Girl while her tiny feet soak up
a little sun. It's a Bill Bryson book called The Lost Continent.
Bryson writes about his experiences traveling the world.
Derek loves his books; if you were to read Derek's 
personal travel journals you would recognize the same
writing style.  He's read me a few of Bryson's books;
the tradition and special time together continues 
and is passed onto our littlest...

9. Watching Derek love Adeline feels like watching him love a piece of me. 

It makes me want to cry, happy tears.

10. I am so in love with my daughter. 

Every moment of labor was worth this precious little baby girl asleep on my chest. To quote the song she was named after, 

I’m so completed now.

You have no idea just how 

I’ve been affected.

You’ll never be neglected

In these arms of mine.

Welcome to the world little Miss Adeline Grace. You are amazing and have already made me a better person. I love you. Love, Mom