The Evolution of a Namesake

Many people have asked how we decided on Adeline's name. The short answer, "It's a family name on both sides, and it was the name of Derek and my first dance as husband and wife."

The long answer?

If you've read my blog Switzerland is for Lovers then you know the story of how Derek and I met. Well during our long distance, and actually even before we met, we started sending each other music in the mail. He, thankfully, introduced me to my favorite band of all time, Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers or The Sixers as they are also know. And their music became the soundtrack to our relationship, every song I listen to, even today, triggers a memory. 

My brother older, Ryan, once said, "You know, the only place where I feel God might have messed up is not providing a soundtrack to our lives." A brilliant thought, really, and I've thought about what he said often. I've decided that had God provided that soundtrack, the Sixers would have been playing in my mind for the last six years because their music was there narrating every step of our story with their touching lyrics and cords...

Before Derek and I met I listened to the song Sweet Sophia: "When you showed up, you showed up right on time, an elegant sweetheart that just blew my mind. I guess the keys to my castle had always been there. There for the taking, but nothing could prepare me."

After we met and decided to have a long distance relationship the song Sweetest Goodbye played over and over on my stereo: "No matter how many times we've done this, and we've done it so many times; It never does get easier when its time to say goodbye. And I'll wear your memory underneath my shirt like an Indian tattoo. Crushed by conscience and mental slide show and a dream of kissing you."

When we visited each other and spent time playing all over the coast of California from wine tasting, to camping and hikes under the stars, to exploring San Fransico and running in the rain between giant Redwood trees. Derek said the lyrics to My Sweet Charade rang true to him: "...I'm making up for younger days, and if I don't talk I just get shy..."

But the lyrics often played from the song Days and we sang them loudly in the car on our adventures together: "A day like today just feels so good, everything is going just as it should. The mystery is understood, just like my momma said that it would. So act the way you dream you could, and dream the way an actor would. Cause you relieve the coulds of rain, and you remind me that there will be other days. And it goes without saying, if you catch me praying it's for days just like this one."

As I fell more and more in love with Derek, I hoped that one day the song Diamond would play as he proposed. The band has a wonderful tradition of playing this song and pulling a couple up on stage for it, and before the song began there was typically a proposal in front of everyone. Then they would play the song, Diamond: "Well honey, honey have you done your good deed today? You open up my green heart with the things that you say. Your melody is strong, so your song never ends. The drama has changes but you're still my best friend. You're my diamond. You're my diamond. Well darling, darling life's short, and its hard, and its gray, you make me see love where I'm inclined to hate. Your way with the boys, how you settle us down. You cut through the noise in my head, I have found. You're my diamond. Dancing diamond. So just hold me close, and don't ever let go..." The song is beautiful, you should really hear the full version. 

In between our time together I ran many miles to The America Song: "Well I live in America, and here is how it lies. Underneath my pillow are plans that got passed by, she said it'd be all right if I had to walk away, and the greatest view was from the edge, it had always been that way. I'm becoming beautiful, and it's so much harder than I thought. It only  feels like losing now, I guess I'll understand someday."

When we moved to Australia the song See You Later, See You Soon was our Anthem: "Shot through with adrenaline fire up my excited heart, and help me believe in myself, to get the starter to start. Fifteen burning balls of fire, ten days since we left. No one understands me like the whiskey on my breath. Ten minutes to showtime, Baby stop your crying. Everybody knows why, there's just no time. See you later. See you soon. See you later alligator, I will see you in the moon..."

And when Derek proposed he opened with some of the lryics to Days: "When the good day comes, you've got to do as the good day demands."

When we moved back from Australia, exhausted emotionally, physically, and financially, the lyrics to Howl at the Moon pulled on our heart strings: "I think it needs to be said, guess I'm just tired. I know you are too. I wanted to call and say I love you. I'm really just tired, I wish I could rest, this heart's busy pumping blood to my chest. I howl at the moon cause it helps me get through."

As we planned our wedding, we went through all the Sixers songs, and found so many that fit so perfectly with our life, beacause we had been living in them, and with them. And then we heard the song Oh Adeline. It was perfect. It was us. It was like our second set of vows to each other. Our Adeline, who will soon enter the world, was named after our song. Our first dance. She was named after our promise to each other.

Oh Adeline:

"If God is love and love is God,

Then everything I’m looking for is written in the flesh and blood.

If you pay attention, turn off the TV,

There is a station beyond your wildest dreams.

I’m gonna need a second heart for all this love,

I’m gonna need a better answer to the problems of the world.

Vivid is my eyesight,

It’s scary but I’m feeling so alive.

And everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

Oh, Adeline.

I’m so completed now,

You have no idea just how

I’ve been affected.

You’ll never be neglected

In these arms of mine.

There’s gonna be a lot of judgments being made,

And it’s ok cause sometimes everyone’s afraid.

And all the money in the world will never save you,

If the people who surround you can’t make time.

And everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

Oh, Adeline.

I’m so completed now,

You have no idea just how

I’ve been affected.

You’ll always be protected

In these arms of mine.

Yeah, cause everything is different in the world today.

People so divided by the things they think about,

God and religion, the promise got broken,

I don’t need a book when I could stare into your eyes

I see palaces built before any known tongue was spoken.

This little light of mine,

I’m gonna let it just shine, shine, shine.

Shine, shine, shine.

On Adeline.

I’m so completed now,

You have no idea just how.

If you’re lost, you will be found.

You will never be without these arms of mine.

(I’m so completed now)

In these arms of mine.

(You have no idea just how)

In these arms of mine.

(If you’re lost, you will be found)

Oh, in these arms of mine.

(You will never be without)

(I’m so completed now)

In these arms of mine.

(You have no idea just how)

If you’re lost you will be found.

You will never be without.

You will never be without.

So pay attention, turn off the TV.

There’s nothing on the screen that’s not in front of me.

If, if love is God and God is love,

Then everything that is, is everything that ever was."

Though the years we've seen more Sixers shows than we can count, each one better than the last. We've even got to work a few of them as merchandise people. We have posters that are signed by the band,  framed lyrics to Days and Oh Adeline written out by Stephen Kellogg himself, and many, many t-shirts. But more than that, we have a soundtrack to the life we built together. 

Really, God did provide the soundtrack; we were just too busy dancing and singing to stop and say, "Thank you." Thank you, God, for the beautiful music and for the evolution of Adeline's namesake, it's been an incredible adventure, I can't wait to see where you will guide us next, and I can't wait to hear the tunes that play on our way!

For now the Sixers' songs Gravity, My Favorite Place and We Belong Here are my anthems. They are worth looking up, I think I've bombarded you with too many lyrics today.

Here is a live recording off of You Tube. The version on their CD and the one we played for our first dance did not have Kit's piano solo on it. This band of musicians is just so incredibly talented. Enjoy.

The Birth Essay

My pregnancy with Landon, I had no "Birth Plan" written or mental. Honestly, the only plan I had was to keep that freaking giant needle out of my spine, and to birth a baby, and then to breast feed. I'm incredibly fortunate that Landon was born into the world the way he was, naturally. I had no idea there were so many options to choose from, opinions to have, things that you had to prepare for. I took Lamaze classes with my Mom, worked till 10 days before I delivered, and talked while I walked with my Mom about labor. I think part of me trusted my instincts, "This is just what we do as women, we give birth to babies". I know the other part of me was incredibly naive.

Fast forward 8 years. This time around I've found that through the years I've researched and read more, had more conversations, formed many more opinions, made more preparations, and I've married a Chiropractor who has a vast, open, ocean of knowledge behind those gorgeous eyes of his.

The other Sunday we created our "Birth Plan for Baby Adeline Grace" in preparation for our 34 week appointment. Let me share with you that expierence and the events played out that lead up to that morning's appointment at the Birth Center last week.

Sunday night:

Me: Honey, we need to work our birth plan tonight.

Husband: I've already done it. Well, I just looked through some books and put it together, briefly, we should go over it together.

Me: Okay, great.

Derek and I are pretty much on the same page about everything. So I thought, "Well this is going to be quick, painless and easy. We should have time to fold some laundry before bed too." We sat down on the couch and looked at the computer screen together... for 3 hours!! There were a number of books on the table, and a birth plan or two open on a second computer. We covered almost everything, from our ideal birth to if she was born with complications. I say 'almost' because I absolutely refused to even think about what we would do if she was a stillborn, let alone put that in a birth plan. Refused. To. Do. It. Once the birth plan was completed it was 4 full pages long, I know this because if you flipped to the last page you will see that there are page numbers on the bottom. Derek claims he didn't number them, but he's just so attentive to detail that I honestly didn't believe him. I still don't.

That night Derek went to sleep feeling what I imagined was 'accomplishment'; one more thing checked off our list of things to do before she arrives. I went to bed exhausted and apparently with too many things rushing through my head because I had a horrible nightmare about delivering Adeline that night. It was like the worst case scenario played out too vividly, but I won't go into the detail of the dream. It was a true nightmare. I woke up in an awful, grumpy, depressed mood. 

The Tuesday following I went to a Le Leche League meeting where I was talking with some of the amazing women about our attention to detail with Birth Plan, and the resulting nightmares. One of the leaders ran over to the L.L.L. lending library and checked out Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for me. All the women told me to read a few amazing birth stories a day so I could reset my mind, and remember what we, as women, are capable of. This was wonderful advice, I've been reading them and I haven't had a nightmare since. 

The Culprit and The Solution

So all of this has lead up to our 34 week appointment at the Birth Center. Before I gave one of the midwives our Birth Plan I prefaced it for her. I said, "So, we have prepared this Birth Plan. We know its long, and may be a bit much for the Birth Center because you all are so in line with our principals and needs. Really, it's more for the hospital, in case we deliver early or there's a complication. We want them to know what our preferences are." Then I put it down on the desk, clunk. Okay, okay, maybe it wasn't "clunk," but it felt that way to me. 

She picked it up to just page through it and said, "Okay, well before we get to your BIRTH ESSAY, do you have any questions today?" I laughed out loud. Birth Essay. Yup. Essay. Prefect. I loved it. Derek laughed quietly, the way he does, and said, "I like how you said,'Essay'. Sorry the different stages of birth aren't color coded."

He and I laughed back and forth making silly comments about the Essay, the length and detail. It was good to laugh at ourselves, together. After reading through it, and making a few notes in the margins for the Birth Center's benefit, the midwife assured us that it was great, and perfectly "normal" to want to be so detailed. I just continued to giggle. We wrote a Birth Essay. It was four pages after all...

You know how Spiderman's Uncle says, "With great power comes great responsibility." Well, I say, "With too much detail and planning, comes nightmares." Trust your body. Your body knows what to do, it's innate. Your Birth Plan is so that everyone is on the same page about your birth needs, and knows what to do in case of an emergency.

34 Weeks Along

Addendum: Apparently, "Birth Essay" is what the midwives at the Birth Center call Birth Plans. Wow, there goes to show you how weird we were feeling about it. Well, if you need a Birth Plan/Essay, and want to see what we put together, just reach out. I'll email it to you. 

15 Truths I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a miraculous time in a woman's life. A time when you are literally "one" with your child, and life is beautiful. Our bodies are amazing ladies! We can grow a whole person inside our bodies in around 40 weeks! Men, we do need you, but your physical contribution in comparison just isn't miraculous or amazing. Sorry. We are amazing!! Life is so wonderful; everyone complements you, congratulates you and accommodates you. Life is great for a pregnant woman, thicker, fuller hair, a "glow" and bigger boobs! Yay pregnancy!! True. Annnnnnnd false. 

If you know anything about me, you know that I LOVE pregnant women and the beautiful power and strength they hold. Hey, I'm even pursuing a career in child birth education and lactation consulting. Clearly, I love pregnancy, birth, breast feeding and everything in between. We. Are. Amazing. 

But for those of you who are getting pregnant for the first time, I want you to know about some of the things that may accompany these wonderful times of bliss so you aren't in shock, like I was with this second pregnancy. There were days when I would look at Derek, holding back tears, I would shout at him, "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY?!"

You should know that my first pregnancy with Landon was amazing! I hardly experienced any of these symptoms, just a bigger appetite, belly, boobs and eventually a bigger butt. Thank you 2 AM pint-sized feedings of Ben and Jerry's Brownie Batter. Hey, this is a judgement free zone, right?

If you prefer to stay in the 'Ignorance is Bliss' category, I totally understand. Stop reading. Now.

If you are my brother or Dad or anyone that holds me on a pedestal, you may want to also stop reading. Or not, it may be fun to read a list about your sister who has a hard time controlling her flatulence and bladder.

For women who are pregnant, or have been, I hope you find this amusing, and will laugh with me as you read. Read on!

15 Truths About Pregnancy

1. Your body is no longer your own. This is the most important thing to understand. Everything else just follows this one fact, you are the physical provider for a growing, thriving human being.

2. Start your exercise and kegels before you get pregnant or every time you sneeze or cough you will have to change your underwear. There are now even apps to help you with your kegels. I downloaded Kegel Kat because I like that the cat is wearing a headband, and meows on the "squeeze" part, but to each their own.

Kegel Kat can help you with your Kegels!

3. You may become very acquainted with your toilet bowl, you may even deem yourself a "professional puker" like I did, because some days it may feel like your job. Try to find the silver lining in everything or it will be a long 9 months, with this one, it's hard. I know. Just trust that one day, the nausea will stop and you will be able to eat normal food again.

4. Sometimes you're going to feel like punching your husband in the face as much as you love him. Just say no. Punching is never good for a relationship, especially if he's only asking you if you want almond butter on your toast. "What kind of questions is that?!?! Of course I do!! UGGGH!!" Just breathe, respond, smile, and walk away.

5. It's hormones. It's always hormones. There will be days where everything makes you angry, or cry uncontrollably, or laugh hysterically. Take it in stride. If it's an angry day, try to warn your husband and keep your distance. He will thank you in the end, and you will love him more for respecting your space.

6. Find a support group. I am so blessed to be going through this with one of my closest friends. So on days where I pee my pants from sneezing I can send her a text about it. It makes me feel more normal to get a text back saying, "I hear you, I did that 3 times last night."

Yes, this is a real text I sent a friend.

7. There will be days where you cannot get out of bed from exhaustion, and after taking a 5 minute shower, you will need a 20 minute nap, just because that was SO EXHAUSTING. Take that nap. Take lots of them, even if that means calling a friend and saying, "I'm running 20 min late." If you have good friends, they will understand.

8. You will pee all the time. All the time. In the first trimester it's hormonal, the third it's because you did such a wonderful job growing a baby and he or she now likes to use your bladder as a trampoline. Don't get frustrated when you have to run to the bathroom because you feel like your bladder is SO full, and two drops come out. That really means that had you not made it to the bathroom, it wouldn't have been as bad as your originally thought.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/karenskontraptions

9. Sometimes it feels like the baby knows Kung-Fu, or is a very tiny kick-boxing professional. It hurts. Just breathe through it. Once the baby is born, you will miss those movements.

10. You will fart. Even when you try not to. I don't think I need to elaborate on that. 

11. You will grunt like an old woman. Every time you get out of the car (why are some of them so low to the ground?!) it may sound like you are trying to push the baby out already. Really, some days I am reminded of helping my Granny get in and out of the car. And it's not every day, just on the days where I'm overly exhausted. Let your husband open the door for you, and on days where you feel like an old woman, ask him for a little help getting out. Then, make sure you say, "thank you". And mean it.

12. Your body will hurt at times, find a great chiropractor, if you don't have one already (I know many, let me know if you need one), and trust your body's ability to heal and change. Your pelvis is going to shift and change, and the ligament laxity necessary for birth is going to add instability to all of your joints (this is supposed to happen), but you will ache. Badly. Again, find a chiropractor, one that practices Webster Technique, they will help balance your pelvis, creating more room for your baby and more comfort for you. I'm so grateful to be married to my chiropractor, trust me, they are an essential part of your pregnancy team. Also, I've found prenatal yoga helps. Remember, our bodies were made to do this, but sometimes we need help. 

13. Sleep will become a hard thing to accomplish at night. Between getting up to pee 5 times a night, being overwhelmed with the checklist of things you have to accomplish to prepare for the baby, leg cramps, and indigestion it will seem impossible to sleep. I swear to you, Derek has had to help me roll over to get out of bed to use the bathroom. Sometimes I just get stuck on my back with no energy to roll all-the-way-over and out of the bed. I have a good husband. Remember how I said to take naps. Take naps.

14. You may feel like the most popular, interesting person with all the appointments you have to go to. They will want to know what you're eating, how much weight your gaining, how you're feeling and what your plans and preferences are. Look at it as your baby's first fan club. It will be easier and more fun that way.

15. Baby brain is a real thing. The baby gets all those nutrients, essential fatty acids, and everything we put into our body first. Then you get the leftovers. Sometimes, there are no leftover for memory. There were days where mid-sentence I would forget what I was saying. Gone. No idea. It was like trying to read  a blank page with no page to turn back to and reference for a little information. If you can take fish oil this will help, if you can't keep it down (like me), then just rely on check lists, post-its and the patience of others. 

I just want to thank my friend Hilary for inspiring this. I will never forget about 6 months into her marriage I called her to catch up and she said to me, "It's hard! No one ever tells you how hard it is!! They always say it's wonderful! Well, I'm going to tell you, Heather, because I love you. Marriage is hard!" 

So, there you have it, pregnancy IS beautiful, but it is also hard, and not very pretty at times. But those good parts, they really are great. So great that we have over populated the planet. Go us! Treasure the life-giving moments of pregnancy, and just laugh at the rest of it. God has a sense of humor, we should too. Perhaps He is preparing us to love a little person with all of the same digestive, sleep, and emotional issues we had for the last 9 months. Life is beautiful, trek on, create more life and do it with your fuller hair and glowing skin!



To our men: Thank you. Thank you for loving us and still finding us beautiful despite all of these "fun facts". We need you, not just to get pregnant, but to love and support us while we are pregnant. 

I've now gone through pregnancy without and with a husband, and, Derek, you make this a thousand times easier. Thank you for holding me when I cry for no reason, for cleaning and cooking while I can't stand the smell or even the sight of food, for loving Landon while I was too weak to get out of bed. Thank you for helping me get in and out of the car and bed. And thank you for reminding me that I am beautiful even when I don't feel it. You are amazing, I love you.

Rainbow Baby

So much has happened since my last post, I'm not even sure where to start.

Recapping on the year span in my mind there are two events that comes to mind, and that is being pregnant, twice.  

September 11th, 2012 we lost a baby. I can't call it a miscarriage because I wasn't far enough into the pregnancy to medically deem it a miscarriage (which is 20 weeks, by the way), so they call it a "spontaneous abortion". Sounds so much better than miscarriage, doesn't it? Nothing like a good-old-medical term to bring some true comfort. Uh,huh.

That feeling, that indescribable feeling... and silence. There was a lot of silence to accompany the tears and sleep the week or so following. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I was completely drained emotionally and physically. I took a week off of work, and laid in bed the whole time. I felt exhausted, guilty, depressed, helpless, and mostly just wanted Derek to hold me all the time or my Mom, who was thousands of miles away, to play with my hair. After returning to work I heard that "it happens to lots of women and is actually more common than you'd think." I know it does, I know it is, but it still left a mark on my heart, and it left a longing there too.

With a lot of real talking, number crunching (on my responsible husband's end), and prayer by the New Year Derek and I were talking seriously about having another little heart around to warm our home even more. Some days were filled with tears and struggles, and some days were filled with daydreaming and talk of names. Our decision really came down to Faith and Love. As all things should, but often don't.

Derek's birthday present to me this past year, was saying, "Let's grow our family". Best. Birthday. Present. EVER. Seriously. I like to think that baby Adeline Grace was the last great adventure we began, together, right before I turned 30. Ahhh, my twenties were amazing!

We found out mid-February that I was pregnant, and if you want to read Derek's view on finding out you'll have to read his blog (http://drdadvice.blogspot.com)I find it endearing, and hysterical. 

As for me the last half of February, all of March, April and most of May went something like this: vomit, sleep, eat, vomit, sleep, sleep, vomit, eat, and vomit ::repeat:: With work in there too of course. For those of you who have ever gotten the flu, you still have no idea what those months were like. Sorry. I now have a vomiting PR of 12 times in 6 hours, take that flu!! I, honestly, think it was God's way of humbling me. One of my closest friends, Kristin, found out she was pregant 2 weeks before me and when she came in sick and feeling awful I said this to one of the Doctors in our office, "I feel so bad for Kristin. I just don't get sick when I'm pregnant. I'm not one of those pregnant woman." HA! If I were God I would have humbled me too. Thank you, God, lesson learned. Promise. Please, no more nausea. And I really did feel awful for Kristin, I love that wonderful woman so much, it's hard to see your friends feel downright cruddy.

We waited to tell Landon until we had more confirmation than just an at home pregnancy test. Poor Landon, because of how sick I'd been he actually thought I was dying, well, first he thought it was food poisoning, and then he thought I was dying. He asked his Dad one night, "Does Mommy have a disease?" No baby, I'm just pregnant. 

When we finally told him, this was his reaction. 

**Disclaimer** Our home was a mess, my husband is amazing and helps with dishes, dinner and laundry year round (take a hint other men), but I do a few things too, and at this point I had basically been in bed for 3 months while home with the occasional trip to the bathroom, so try not to judge. I know, it's hard.

Landon is very excited, he talks to my belly often, and kisses it frequently. He is always telling his baby sister he loves her, and asking me to translate what she says in response to his sweet affirmations. So cute. He's a wonderful big brother already, and he can't wait to try out some Baby Wearing with the Ergo. I can't wait to watch the two of them fall in love with each other, it's going to be a special relationship, I can feel it.

This baby, this little wonderful bundle that is due to come in a few more weeks, is a blessing, and what I have now found out will be our "Rainbow Baby". Thank you Urban Dictionary for your definition. It, surprisingly, warmed my heart. 

"In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."

Thank you, God, for our storm and our Rainbow Baby. We are all very excited to watch her grow and shine bright. After all, this world could use some more color!