Rainbow Baby

So much has happened since my last post, I'm not even sure where to start.

Recapping on the year span in my mind there are two events that comes to mind, and that is being pregnant, twice.  

September 11th, 2012 we lost a baby. I can't call it a miscarriage because I wasn't far enough into the pregnancy to medically deem it a miscarriage (which is 20 weeks, by the way), so they call it a "spontaneous abortion". Sounds so much better than miscarriage, doesn't it? Nothing like a good-old-medical term to bring some true comfort. Uh,huh.

That feeling, that indescribable feeling... and silence. There was a lot of silence to accompany the tears and sleep the week or so following. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I was completely drained emotionally and physically. I took a week off of work, and laid in bed the whole time. I felt exhausted, guilty, depressed, helpless, and mostly just wanted Derek to hold me all the time or my Mom, who was thousands of miles away, to play with my hair. After returning to work I heard that "it happens to lots of women and is actually more common than you'd think." I know it does, I know it is, but it still left a mark on my heart, and it left a longing there too.

With a lot of real talking, number crunching (on my responsible husband's end), and prayer by the New Year Derek and I were talking seriously about having another little heart around to warm our home even more. Some days were filled with tears and struggles, and some days were filled with daydreaming and talk of names. Our decision really came down to Faith and Love. As all things should, but often don't.

Derek's birthday present to me this past year, was saying, "Let's grow our family". Best. Birthday. Present. EVER. Seriously. I like to think that baby Adeline Grace was the last great adventure we began, together, right before I turned 30. Ahhh, my twenties were amazing!

We found out mid-February that I was pregnant, and if you want to read Derek's view on finding out you'll have to read his blog (http://drdadvice.blogspot.com)I find it endearing, and hysterical. 

As for me the last half of February, all of March, April and most of May went something like this: vomit, sleep, eat, vomit, sleep, sleep, vomit, eat, and vomit ::repeat:: With work in there too of course. For those of you who have ever gotten the flu, you still have no idea what those months were like. Sorry. I now have a vomiting PR of 12 times in 6 hours, take that flu!! I, honestly, think it was God's way of humbling me. One of my closest friends, Kristin, found out she was pregant 2 weeks before me and when she came in sick and feeling awful I said this to one of the Doctors in our office, "I feel so bad for Kristin. I just don't get sick when I'm pregnant. I'm not one of those pregnant woman." HA! If I were God I would have humbled me too. Thank you, God, lesson learned. Promise. Please, no more nausea. And I really did feel awful for Kristin, I love that wonderful woman so much, it's hard to see your friends feel downright cruddy.

We waited to tell Landon until we had more confirmation than just an at home pregnancy test. Poor Landon, because of how sick I'd been he actually thought I was dying, well, first he thought it was food poisoning, and then he thought I was dying. He asked his Dad one night, "Does Mommy have a disease?" No baby, I'm just pregnant. 

When we finally told him, this was his reaction. 

**Disclaimer** Our home was a mess, my husband is amazing and helps with dishes, dinner and laundry year round (take a hint other men), but I do a few things too, and at this point I had basically been in bed for 3 months while home with the occasional trip to the bathroom, so try not to judge. I know, it's hard.

Landon is very excited, he talks to my belly often, and kisses it frequently. He is always telling his baby sister he loves her, and asking me to translate what she says in response to his sweet affirmations. So cute. He's a wonderful big brother already, and he can't wait to try out some Baby Wearing with the Ergo. I can't wait to watch the two of them fall in love with each other, it's going to be a special relationship, I can feel it.

This baby, this little wonderful bundle that is due to come in a few more weeks, is a blessing, and what I have now found out will be our "Rainbow Baby". Thank you Urban Dictionary for your definition. It, surprisingly, warmed my heart. 

"In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."

Thank you, God, for our storm and our Rainbow Baby. We are all very excited to watch her grow and shine bright. After all, this world could use some more color!